Relationship Support
Conflict and arguments between parents and carers whether together or separated
Some level of arguing and conflict between parents and carers is often a normal part of everyday life. However, there is strong evidence to show that frequent, intense, and poorly resolved arguments can have a significant negative impact on children’s mental health and long-term life chances.
Having ongoing arguments with our partner or our co-parent (if we are parenting with someone we don’t live with) can also have a serious impact on our own emotional well-being because the arguing can make us feel emotionally drained.
Here in Tameside, we are trying to raise awareness so that people can get the help they need sooner rather than later.
We have worked with the relationship experts at Amity www.weareamity.co.uk to create this self-help webpage for families in Tameside.
Tameside is part of the national Reducing Parental Conflict (RPC) programme which is government funded and is aimed at helping parents who are struggling with conflict in their relationships.
Domestic abuse and parental conflict are not the same thing
Domestic abuse is not the same as parental conflict. Relationships should not make you feel unsafe or scared. You should not be frightened of your partner or anyone else you live with. If you want to know more about domestic abuse, please go to: https://www.tameside.gov.uk/domesticabuse
What does parental conflict look like?
Damaging conflict and arguments between parents and carers can be expressed in many ways such as:
- Shouting and swearing at each other
- Behaving disrespectfully towards or partner or coparent
- Trying to be the ‘winner’ in arguments
- Not trying to sort the arguments out or find solutions to problems
- Ignoring the reasons behind the arguments
- Always having the same arguments that don’t get resolved
- Arguing about lots of different things rather than focussing on an individual issue
What do parents and carers of children argue about?
Anything and everything can cause arguments. Life is stressful and when we are stressed, we are more likely to argue and struggle to resolve it.
There are lots of the different things that cause arguments such as:
- Money problems
- How children are parented and family life in general
- Mental health difficulties
- Illness or caring for someone who is ill
- Problems with trust in the relationship
- Drug or alcohol problems
- Having different views about things
- Household responsibilities such as who does the cleaning, shopping, cooking and other household jobs
- looking after the children and other relatives who need care
Conflict and arguments can affect children in all types of parental and carer relationships, including:
- parents who are in a relationship, whether married or not
- parents who have separated or divorced
- biological and stepparents
- other family members in a parenting role
- foster and adoptive parents
- parents and carers who are LQBTQ+
The RPC programme in Tameside aims to focus on the way parents behave, rather than the status of the relationship.
How are children affected by arguments between parents and carers?
There is lots of evidence that ongoing, frequent and intense arguments can make children feel anxious and worried. Children struggle to understand why arguments between adults happen and it can make them feel as if the arguments are their fault.
Children who live with ongoing, destructive conflict and arguments can:
- Do less well at school than their friends
- Struggle with their emotional well-being and feel more anxious
- Struggle to sleep properly
- Develop poor communication skills
- Struggle to resolve conflict in their own life with friends and others
Babies, toddlers, children and young people can be upset and anxious about their parent or carer relationships even if they seem ok on the outside. Children often keep their worries inside and that can make everyone around them think that they are doing well.
Even if you think the children can’t hear your arguments, they know that something isn’t right, and this makes them feel unsettled.
dudleyparents.co.uk/files/videos/Final/dudley_parental_conflict_resolution.mp4
What can I do as a parent or carer?
The good news is that there is a lot of help for anyone who wants to make changes to the way they communicate during arguments at home.
On this page you will find some handy self-help information, websites you can visit and where you can get extra support from someone trained to help you.
Tameside’s free self help guide for couples struggling with arguments and communication
We have worked with the relationship experts at Amity to create some useful self-help support guides to help you communicate better with your partner or co-parent if you are separated. Please click to download or contact your local Family Hub for a printed version.
We have created a number of posters and flyers that provide information on how to access support.
In Tameside, we also work closely with Togetherness. They have created a digital pathway for families, all around relationships. This is free to access for all Tameside residents, see below for more information
Togetherness Relationships poster
For any information, advice or guidance, or to access support around Parental Conflict, please email RPC@tameside.gov.uk
Useful websites
Parental conflict support websites
The Anna Fraud Centre website has lots of very useful information that can help you whether you are together or separated from your child’s other parent.
Parents or Careers in Conflict | Resolving Parental Disputes | Anna Freud Centre
Mental health and well-being websites
Mental Health UK - Forward Together (mentalhealth-uk.org)
Mental health services - NHS (www.nhs.uk)
Homepage | Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) (thecalmzone.net)
Samaritans | Every life lost to suicide is a tragedy | Here to listen
YoungMinds | Mental Health Charity For Children And Young People | YoungMinds
Family life, parenting and support websites
Family lives – offers free and confidential information and advice on all aspects of family life including child development, issues with schools, parenting and relationship support, aggression in the home, bullying, teenage risky behaviour, and mental health concerns of both parents and their children.
Parenting and Family Support - Family Lives (Parentline Plus) | Family Lives
Families Need Fathers - provide support and information to separating or divorced parents who are worried about how their breakup might affect their children. Services are open to mothers, fathers, grandparents, new partners and extended families. Specialist support is available on Mon–Fri between 6pm and 10pm. Outside of these hours, calls are taken by Family Lives who receive additional training from FNF. Families Need Fathers - About Help & Support (fnf.org.uk)
Click Relationships – a wide range of relationship support as well as support for parenting together and apart.
Click (clickrelationships.org)
Action for Children – offers parent talk, providing parenting advice to families and parenting coaches
Parent Talk - Support for Parents from Action For Children
The Mix - a free and confidential service, mainly aimed at younger people under the age of 25. The service can connect you to experts who will give you the support and tools you need to take on challenges from homelessness to finding a job, from money to mental health, from breakups to drugs.
The Mix - Essential support for under 25s
Urgent Help Right Now
On My Mind: Urgent Help for young people with their mental health (annafreud.org)
The CAFCASS website has collected resources that we know separated parents find helpful. There is information, activities to improve communication skills, and help with planning for you and your children.
No matter what stage you are in your divorce proceedings or separation this information is designed to help you understand the needs of your children during separation and make the best arrangements for them.
Parenting together - Cafcass - Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service
Are you a parent going through separation? Separating better is a brand-new FREE mobile app, designed to help guide you through the separation process, find effective ways of co-parenting, and sort out disagreements, all with the wellbeing of your child in mind.
https://www.oneplusone.org.uk/separating-better
